Enjoy the Silence

In all of the thinking I've been doing recently (yes it does happen!) about the fears in my life, I've really started to notice the way I react to things a lot more and asking God to help me understand why I fear the things I do. Particularly silence.

[moment of silence depicted by this clause within brackets]

It seems that when I'm by myself, I've really learned to enjoy times of silence and solitude--it's refreshing, renewing, rejuvenating, and above all, it opens me up to hear what God is saying to me a lot clearer than when I have noises blaring all around me (ie television, 80s music, even worship music).

But yesterday something new occurred to me. I was sitting on the porch talking to my buddies Sammy and Ryan, and one of those inevitable moments of silence desended upon us. You know, when you finish talking about a certain topic and nobody moves on to another topic, so you just kind of sit there and silently contemplate until someone says something again. It is definitely a good thing, an awesome thing, to have such moments as this. I believe with all of my heart that these moments were meant to be enjoyed--that God wants to use them to point things out to us and to just let us worship Him in the sound of calm, still peace. But this calm, still peace, this enjoying of the silence is a far cry from what is usually going on in my head in such a situation. We're having a great conversation, then for some reason or another, silence ensues, and my internal dialogue goes something like this:

Man, it's quiet all of a sudden. I wonder if I said something wrong. I wonder if I'm supposed to say something now, but what could that be? God, do you want me to talk? Please show me what to say. I don't like this, it's too uncomfortable. Maybe they're thinking weird things about me. Maybe I said something freakishly weird and that's why nobody is talking now. They're looking at their feet, I wonder if I have a booger hanging out of my nose or something. What if I offended them by something I said? What did I say anyway? I can't remember. They think I'm really weird now. Or maybe they think I'm thinking weird or mean thoughts about them because I'm not talking. Why does this have to be so quiet? Why am I so uncomfortable? Do they feel the same way?...

And so on and so forth. So the epiphany that hit me yesterday as this moment of silence hit us was that I never seem to have this problem when I'm alone. Like I said, I do enjoy the silence in those moments. I love to "Be still and know that God is God" (Psalm 46.10). But what about when other people are around? My freakish fear of what other people think about me, or a fear of offending or disappointing others or of giving them an impression of who I am that is not accurate, sets in. And the last thing I am able to do in such a situation is be still and know that God is God.

God is challenging me. He's quoting Depeche Mode and saying, "Enjoy the silence." (or rather, they're the ones quoting something He's been saying all along). And I'm going to accept that challenge and start facing silence instead of avoiding it. Start asking Him what exactly it is that makes me fear it so much and to walk me through the healing and transformation that I know He desires to take me through.

Maybe He's challenging you, too. Care to join me on this new adventure, this new version of Fear Factor?