World Mandate 2005

Just got back from an awesome missions conference that has become a yearly event very dear to my heart, in Waco, Texas. Here's some immediate responses I threw together in my journal about what God is doing in my heart right now:

What an awesome weekend. What are the things that God did in me this year during World Mandate? Well, one thing I noticed was that I wasn’t so focused on seeing people from Austin and other places, but was more focused just on connecting with God. This was an awesome thing because I feel like last year I was still going through some major detachment issues from Hope in the City and really felt the loss of having left that church behind. So when I saw people from Hope, all these feelings of how much I love and miss Hope in the City and the people in Austin resurfaced, and the weekend became largely about reconnecting with friends from Hope as opposed to connecting with God. He did finally break through and get to my heart towards the end of the conference, but I was still going through a lot of stuff inside as far as seeking reconciliation and healing in various hurts that had recently gone on in my heart as far as relationships.

This time around, it had been over a year and a half since I left Austin, and after this summer even, I really feel like Grace Church is my home church, and Denver is my current home. I don’t long for the days of Hope in the City any more as I did before. I still find it an amazing church, and I still love it, but it’s no longer my home church, and I know that in my heart now as well. So the result was, I got into Waco with Vern, not eagerly and constantly seeking out the people I miss from Austin, but just ready to connect with God. And it helped that we got in a little late, just in time to catch the worship session before the first speaker—in other words, no time to get all distracted by seeing familiar old faces. I tend to get distracted so easily from connecting with God (mostly by people and relationships) that it was very helpful to avoid that completely as we entered into the conference. Incidentally, I did connect with some Hope friends during the weekend, but it was nothing like last year. This time it was simply catching up and then moving on—not dwelling on how much I miss them, etc, and not even trying to get in on everything they were doing outside of the conference (meals, etc). It was, this year for me, a time of connecting with God and letting Him recapture my heart and stagger me with Himself in a new way.

I do feel without a doubt that my life is now somehow connected with Antioch ministries. My heart swells when I think about how God is using them, and although I have no clue how, I know that there is a connection between me and them, that God has something in store there, whether it’s me being involved in an Antioch church one day or simply continuing to attend World Mandate each year and bringing more people with me each year. Vern and I are already committed to coming to WM as often as we can, and I’ve decided to make it a goal to bring at least one or two other people next year, if not more, from Denver. Who knows? I love the way Antioch does everything—from worship to small groups to breaking the mold of how things have been done in the past…and most importantly, to their missions mindset. I sometimes feel left wanting in some of these areas at Grace, despite the fact that I know this is the church God has called me to stay in for now as my home church, as my “Antioch”, so I’ve said in the past. I do long for the Lord to generate change and revival and renewal in the body at Grace, and I believe He can and will do this through me if I concentrate on Him and provided I remain free from a rebellious spirit or from seeking to undermine what men and women of God have built and invested in. I only long to see people grow more passionate and crazy about Jesus and to express this in their everyday lives. I know, though, that this must start in my own heart and in my own life before it can spread through me!

So this is a big thing that I have felt the Lord speaking to me this weekend. I long to have more of a passion for Him. We sang a song this weekend that goes, “I want to yearn for You, I want to burn with passion for You, only You.” This is the cry of my heart and has been for a long time. Sometimes my heart gets to a point (because I allow it to get there) where it burns with passion for Christ, but this is not an ongoing thing. And yet this is what it is going to take to really go off the deep end for Christ—which is what I long to do. I long for people to think I’m crazy because of my love for Him and my obedience to Him. I yearn to desire Him more and more every day. I yearn to obey Him without hesitation and without doubt. I have such a tendency to doubt, to worry, to think that I don’t’ have what it takes to do what God is calling me to do. I step forward to make a decision, my heart leaps in my chest as I start on a journey towards total obedience to God…and then my mind kicks in and I start listening to Satan’s whispers telling me I don’t have what it takes, that I won’t make it, that it’s too hard a commitment to make, that I might get uncomfortable and I don’t long to get into a position like that. I realize the truth of that last part—that I don’t long to get into uncomfortable places of persecution—and yet I know deep down that Christ will help me get there if I take it one day at a time.

Jim Yost spoke Friday night of radical change for Christ, of radical and total obedience to Him that gets us totally out of our comfort zones and all the things that we hide behind. And my heart longs to go there—I felt it this weekend. But my thoughts and logic started churning immediately and telling me that there was no way I could get to that point. That I’m too far away from total obedience, and that I’m better off just doing little things here and there and staying in the comfort zone. Granted, what’s comfortable to me now used to be very uncomfortable (ie I can talk about my past hurts and areas of sin and struggle in my life now in a very vulnerable way and not be afraid, whereas I used to be terrified of this). God is changing me, but only at the rate I’m allowing Him to. What if I were to let down all the walls and open the doors of change in my life so He could do what He really wanted to? Things would never be the same. This is what I long for. And this is what I decided to do…to lay it out on the line more and more, to proclaim the name of Jesus even when it feels “unacceptable” because it’s not “PC”. To jump at the opportunity to share Christ with people, even when I’m tired or rushed. To live for Him and not just survive and bounce from one organized ministry activity to another, leaving all the stuff in between without taking any opportunities for sharing Christ with words and actions.

All of this is huge stuff—big changes, I know. And yet I know it all depends on taking one step of faith at a time. One step of obedience after another. God will meet me if I step out in faith.

Another thing I noticed this weekend is that I found myself seeking to apply everything that was being said for the majority of the sessions to Uturn, to the place I’m at now. I know this wasn’t the case last year…and I know that recently I’ve been left wanting with what Uturn has become. So how can I apply what I’ve learned this weekend to Uturn? What have I learned this weekend? Well, a huge thing is seeking to be passionate about Jesus, and Jesus alone—not events or plans or ministries or people. This is one thing I’ve kind of slipped away from and am asking Him to bring me back into on a daily basis. I have no clue what this looks like in practical form, but I am asking God to show me little by little and to help me understand—and to be able to communicate and perhaps even initiate this with the kids and other adults. I kept thinking during the weekend—man, if they could all just come hear this and experience what God is doing through Antioch and its connections, they would totally get it! But maybe that’s why God sent me here to Waco. To receive and then to impart this to others where I’m from. Or maybe it’s just to prepare me for whatever He has for me down the road. Who knows? He will show me in time. I’m in no rush. I just want to see Him work through me and glorified in Grace Church and in Uturn. Through total obedience to Him.

So it seems the conference really fed one of my promises to God this year: obedience. I asked Him to make me totally obedient to Him in 2005, and haven’t really started out on the best note—I haven’t gone out of my comfort zones very much since last year. And God is calling me to do this in obedience to Him. I just need to learn to hear what He’s telling me and follow Him.

Finally, related to obedience to God in my life, another issue that God used to shake me this weekend came out during the prayer/ministry time on Saturday night after the message. I was responding to a bunch of things in my heart, the biggest being just wanting to get back to loving Jesus and being enamored with Him above all else. I went towards the front of the room for prayer, but there were so many people responding and going up front that I only made it halfway up the aisles before stopping along with hundreds of students. So I just worshiped God in the aisle and asked Him to show me what I need to do next, how to get where He wants me one step at a time, and then I just felt this strong yearning desire to have a word from Him. To have someone speak a prophetic word over my life that was from God, without a doubt. I sometimes feel like I have trouble hearing His voice because of all the other noise in my life, which is understandable. I know I need to clear out that noise and allow myself to hear Him when He is speaking to me, for He is always speaking. Yet I’m always so encouraged when people have a word for me. So I asked God for a word, desperately desiring someone to come up and tell me they had something to tell me that God was telling them to speak to me. And it didn’t happen that way, but what did happen was this: a couple of students went up on the stage and spoke things God had placed on their hearts. A guy who got up to share said that God had impressed on his heart that there were a number of people struggling with doubt and fear about not having what it takes to do what God is calling them to do, about failing, not measuring up to what it takes. He said God wants to encourage these people in reminding them that none of us have what it takes alone; it is Jesus in us who really empowers and releases. And for whatever reason, this just hit me square between the eyes and I started bawling in the aisle. I realized I have been holding back from so much out of fear—mostly fear that I’ll make a commitment to be obedient and responsive to all Christ is calling me to do, but that I will soon after not be able to manage and follow through. It seems like every time I respond to God asking me to go deeper and further and be more obedient to live on the edge, I quickly stop in my tracks and realize my heart isn’t ready to do that, or that there are still stubborn areas in my heart that don’t want to commit out of fear, out of doubt, whatever. Well, God reminded me Saturday night that it doesn’t matter what I think I have in me—because He sees deep down in me the things I don’t see, the things He has placed there, for His purposes. Like He called Gideon out of his cowering hideout in the threshing room floor, God meets me in my cowering place and greets me with the familiar greeting He used on Gideon: "The Lord is with you, oh valiant warrior!" (Judges 612). God sees the victories He has placed in me--the victories He wants to have through me--and refuses to see me through the eyes of misconception through which I tend to see myself. So last night I responded by saying, OK, God, whatever You want. You’re all I want anyway! And so I’m ready to commit to go off the deep end. Even as I type this though, there’s still that sense that I won’t be able to follow through with something, that fear or intimidation will threaten to stop me in my tracks yet again.

So here I am back in Denver and ready for what God has in store next. I just have to keep my eyes focused on Him. I just have to ask Him daily to enamor me with Him, to stagger me with Him, to burn with passion for Him and only Him, to yearn for Him and only Him. Lord, let it be! I love You!